[Intro] [Ambience] Shane: This is A&C Games in Toronto, Ontario. This store has a ton of amazing video games, but what most people don’t know is that beneath the store lies the catacombs. [Thud!] Down here, there’s a bunch of things that they can’t quite sell upstairs. And one day when I was here, I was looking around for a bargain, and I ended up finding THIS. [Thud!] [Weird noises] [Weird noises intensify] [Boom!] [Music] [That’s a lot of animations] [I wonder how long it took to make these] [Droning] And here we are back again, looking at another Wireless system. I don’t know how this could happen, but it did! If I ever find out who actually keeps making these things, I’m gonna take them and I’m gonna just URRRGH!!! Adam: Uh. Okay…? Shane: Right. Now, I know a lot of you out there always talk about how I just embellish this, Or make it seem a lot worse than it is, but here’s what we’re gonna do. I’ve invited my friend Adam over so he can suffer along with me. Adam, say hello. Adam: Why am I taped up? Shane: SHH! A lot of people are probably confused right now as to why we’re even talking about another one of these consoles. There’s the Wireless 60, and there’s Wireless Air 60. AND THAT’S ALL THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN. But then, there was another! This one! [Chuckle] This one! It came before ALL of them! [Laughter] This is the Wireless, full-stop, nothing else, not Wireless 60, no Air, nothing! This console predates the original Wireless 60! I mean, of all my years doing research of these systems, I never once thought that just typing in the word “Wireless” on ANY search engine online! And of course, I wouldn’t have found anything, because it’s the word “Wireless!” Why would you name your console just simply “Wireless?” Do you even KNOW how many results you get from a search like that?! EVERY console is wireless nowadays! They all have wireless controllers or connect to Wi-Fi. OF COURSE, I’m not gonna get this specific system. [Sigh] But I guess the reason why they called it that is because this system isn’t actually trying to copy a modern video game console, no! This came out in 2011, apparently! This is a knockoff of Buck Hunter. You know Buck Hunter, that deer-shooting game from the arcades? THAT one. And while Buck Hunter is a refined and well-designed hunting arcade game, THIS ONE ISN’T. The console itself is a LITTLE black box, But it’s bundled with a fluorescent orange shotgun. [Click!] [Creak] Yeah, an orange shotgun, complete with three buttons, a power trigger and a fore stock. But what’s amazing about this thing is that its batteries are taken in little cartridge you have to set up separately. And this cartridge looks a lot like an ammo pack, right? So where would you expect it to go? Well of course, it goes in the butt of the gun. This is stupid. BUT! This is a lot less stupid than setting up the system, Which you have to do THIS way. Now, there are two ways you set this console up. The first way is to awkwardly stuff the console underneath your TV. Or you can sloppily lick the back of this terrible little sensor [Licking sound]
Or you can sloppily lick the back of this terrible little sensor [Squirming]
Or you can sloppily lick the back of this terrible little sensor and pray it sticks to some part of the television frame. And it won’t! It’s gonna fall off a billion times like it did for me. But why do you need the console so close to the TV or why do you need the sensor at all? Well, it’s because of this. This controller doesn’t connect through Bluetooth or radio frequencies or anything like that. Instead how it connects is through the sensor right at the front of the barrel. Now, this sensor here not only exchanges positional information with the front of the sensor of the console or that little sensor you pasted on your TV, But it also tells the system when the gun is being fired or when you’re pushing any of these buttons. That’s hilarious, because that’s way too much information for the sensor, So more often than not, it doesn’t actually work. But when it does work, it does track your position much like you would have seen on a Wii. [Chuckle] Do you know what this means? This means when they made the Wireless 60, the sequel to this system, They actually got rid of that motion sensing technology for the screen. Hear me out, man. They actually got rid of a technology that actually worked to make a lesser version in the sequel system. WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THAT?! Adam: That seems dumb. Shane: RIGHT?! This console comes pre-loaded like every other Wireless system with a bunch of games, And this one specifically has 20 of them. Adam: Wow, 20 cool games? That actually sounds like a deal. Shane: O̷h Ada̶m, I h̡a̶ve͞ ͏s̷u͘c̸h ̧w̛on̷de̢rs̸ to͢ ́shoẃ ̕y͘ou.̨.. Number one: Secret Mission. It’s no secret that every good light gun needs one good military-style shooter. But this? This ISN’T a good military-style shooter. Secret Mission just lacks things. Like a decent reload animation!
And you would think that cocking your gun would reload your weapon, But you’d be wrong.
In this game it enters a super scope mode! We’re ONE game in and they’re ALREADY not making proper use of the controller’s features! [Frustrated grunt] But fine! You tug on the fore stock and you go into scope mode. Does it make it easier to aim? No! In fact, it doesn’t really zoom in onto ANYTHING! It really just takes away your HUD and blacks out half the screen! Like you’ve got self-induced tunnel vision! Shane: I HATE tunnel vision! Adam: WHO SAID THAT?! Shane: The game has a series of four missions and each mission begins With young, mustachioed Sean Connery telling you what to do with something in hilariously broken English. “SHostile elements have also occupied a previously secured area. You must secure this area again alo-ne?” “Good luck.” Your mission objectives range from eliminating all the hostiles to killing all the enemies to shooting everyone. Although the weapons and characters look modern, all the missions seem to take place in World War 2. Look at those buildings and tanks. Specifically the tanks! Those are definitely from World War 2. And the backgrounds look like they were created for a completely different game! Each stage has a set number of enemies that you have to eliminate, And they appear in the exact same spots every time. Once you learn the pattern, you just have to aim and wait! And there’s enemies you don’t even have to shoot! They just run away from you! Not everyone’s cut out for the battlefield, I guess! Not even the enemies specifically created to be enemies in this game! The stages seem to have been designed for a variety of enemy placements. We’ve got wide open windows, plenty of boxes to hide behind but they’re never utilized! You also come across hostages that you’re supposed to avoid shooting, But they’re very infrequent so they don’t really add to the gameplay. And there is a health system but you don’t have to worry! No enemy in this game offers much of a challenge and using one life, We cleared the whole game. It’s disappointing. But if you think we’ve had all the thrills we could possibly have with military shooters, WELL, YOU JUST WAIT. Number 2: Predator. No, I’m sorry to say but Schwarzenegger and his ugly alien friend come nowhere near this game. But predator is familiar. How so? Well, it’s almost identical to the other game you may have heard of. You know, Secret Mission? [Chuckles] But hey, look. Now we have a new generic soldier telling you your stupid objectives. Hooray. “Soldier! We need more weapons immediately!” “You must ambush the guards and relieve them of their ammunition!” So what does that mean? Kill everyone. AGAIN. That’s your sole purpose. Surprised? You have the same HUD as before but they’ve added this RIDICULOUS game mechanic. They’ve introduced camera movement! But to move the camera, you have to aim at the furthest points at the screen. It’s COMPLETELY ineffective! When you need to aim at enemies in the corner of the screen, your camera automatically moves, Causing you to have to re-aim your shot. Enemies appear out of nowhere because they couldn’t be bothered to make animations of them, say, maybe getting out of the helicopter, Or even walking onto the screen. One minute they’re not there, and the next? There they are. It gets REALLY annoying. But this game gets SO much worse. Now look. This level here you can beat and you get on to a second stage, But you won’t be getting past it. Okay? Look at this. There are 40 enemies. We have to kill them to move forward to the next stage. No problem, right? Except once we did this, The total number of enemies to be eliminated jump back up to 35 for some reason, Oh, and another little tiny thing,
The crosshair just disappeared. Completely! Now you have no clue where you’re aiming, Because this just really doesn’t work! Now at first i thought it was just a bump-up in difficulty or something, but no! If you manage to kill the next 35 enemies without your crosshair, BLIND, The number jumps up again, but this time, to 99. [YEAH! OH!]
But once you kill those 99 enemies, the number resets again to 99! And you have to kill 99 enemies without a crosshair, without any way to aim whatsoever! You’re just shooting and praying!
It never ever ends. This game is FUNCTIONALLY broken, and I sat there for a LONG time trying to beat it! Now I can understand a console having a glitch here and there, But when you’re only TWO GAMES in, into a twenty game collection, And on the second level of that second game, you have something this bad? Well, you can tell you’re in for one HECK of a ride. Number 3: Delta Force. Delta Force begins with a character select screen. You get to choose between man smoking a cigarette or a man not smoking a cigarette, Or, of course, Cora Aloft, the Room Explorer. Oh, my. She looks like she’s been crying! Let’s find out why. Oh, it’s probably because she’s wearing tactical hot pants in the DEAD OF WINTER. The game begins in a forest… erm… Somewhere, I guess, And your character begins to run forward. It’s just more of the same with a slightly different wrapper. Yup, your old friends are back from the other two games, Oh, and look! And for consistency’s sake, They still have people running through the game doing ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. “Hey, where are you going, Larry? The fight’s this-a way!” I don’t think I have ever played a game where so many enemies ACTIVELY run away from you, never to return! Each stage ends with one of the characters running towards a magical floating asset off in the distance. And just look at how this one runs. So majestic! She moves with the stiff urgency of someone who needed to use a toilet yesterday. Intestinal issues aside, of the three shooters that we’ve played so far, this is the one that felt the closest to an actual game. There seemed to be more effort involved with the look, With levels varying more but as stages progressed the cruddy controls started to get in the way of any potential this game had. Yes, the game is slightly challenging, but it wasn’t designed that way. It was because the controls make it nearly impossible to play. The same HORRIBLE camera panning technique is used here, And enemies pop up on the far left and on the far right of the screen It’s impossible not to take at least some damage, but it’s damage you’re gonna take regardless of skill. It’s a mess. Oh, also, all three games that we’ve showed off so far did something that REALLY irritates me! They all feature gunshot sound effects all the time, no matter what’s going on! Even when no enemies are on the screen! It gets to the point that when an actual enemy is firing at you, You often don’t realize it until you start taking damage! Number 4: Toy Land. Finally! We’re done with military shooters! This game here is supposed to be different, I guess, With a name like Toy Land, a game that no doubt includes a lot of cartoon critters and… [Clown horns, laughter] Adam: AAAAAH!
Shane: OH AAAAAH!! Adam: [Heaves] Is this supposed to be a kids’ game?! this is nightmare fuel this, game looks like a This is a nightmare fuel! This game looks like a box of crayons got sick and threw up on a rainbow! At first I didn’t think the game was working! I was pulling the trigger and the gun wasn’t firing anything, But then I realized what was going on; In this game you don’t fire bullets, no! Look at this! You line up your shot, pull the trigger, And the game softly under-hands purple cubes into the stage. And they’ve got to be filled with helium or something, Because they just move so slowly through the air to hit their targets! There’s just so much visual crazy going on right now that I just can’t pick out what I should be aiming at, And every now and then… [Clown horns, laughter] Adam: AHH!
Shane: AH! Shane: [Vomit sounds] This demon jets out from the depths of your nightmares, And poof! He’s gone. But he’s not the only moving irritant! Targets glide by so fast that you’ll never be able to hit them in time! There’s only one stage and it ends with a result screen. I would call it lazy but they actually did put a lot of work into the visuals, I guess? Then again, the graphics are so sugary that I feel I need an insulin shot for my eyes! I can’t believe they filled this level with so many distractingly bright– [Clown horns, laughter] Shane: AHH!
Adam: OHH! Shane: [grunts]
Adam: Ohh! Shane: THAT’S IT! ENOUGH! Adam: Next game, next game! Number 5: Dream Forest. Notice, uhh… anything familiar? Yeah, we’re seeing a lot of the same assets from Toy Land here, Which means that little freaking clown might be around the corner… [Creepy laughter]
Which means that little freaking clown might be around the corner… [Creaking sound] And when we start it up, yep.
It’s the same game. This time you chuck these purple plungers at targets. And they somehow feel even slower than the purple cubes from the last title Ugh! Look at this mess!
Everything on the screen is in motion! EVERYTHING! It’s so hard to focus on your targets, and not just that, But the plungers they give you fly so slowly that it’s really hard to hit anything! And what’s up with the puppies anyway?
Am I supposed to plunger puppies?! Wait, WAIT. Are those the clown’s eyes from the last game? Is it watching us? Adam: Let’s switch the games out. Shane: Uh-huh. Number 6: Trophy Season. Guess what, here’s another shooting game with the same awkward controls and panning That we saw in those military shooters earlier! It’s three stages, and the stages do not change. The objective is to kill as many bucks and bunnies as possible, But don’t shoot the does, or you’ll lose points. Now, typically in buck hunting games, The fun and challenge comes from trying to get precision shots on the animals, But this system doesn’t offer you the most accurate shooting experience, so what did the developers do? Well, they gave the bucks ridiculously huge hitboxes so where you shoot the critters doesn’t really matter in the slightest! Heck, even if you shoot just slightly in front or above the buck, you still make the hit. It’s worth the same points no matter where you hit him, Removing all the challenges from playing one of these games. You even see the same animations. And oh gosh, You hear the same horrifying sound. [Gunshot, deer noises] [Deer noises get faster] There’s nothing else to say about this game. Number 7: Freedom Force. Look at this title screen. It sort of feels like a Wild West shooter where you’re probably aiming at birds, right? Well, you’d be wrong, because Freedom Force doesn’t involve birds or any kind of force whatsoever. It’s certainly not one fighting for freedom. With a name like that you’re probably assuming it’s gonna be some big massive Western shootout, Where you are fighting outlaws and bandits, and you plat as the sheriff upholding the law. Well, in this game, you don’t do any of that. In fact, your opponents aren’t humans at all. Your enemies are plates, whiskey bottles, barrels, And then every once in a while, someone throws an axe at your face. And to make it worse, even though they’re throwing axes at you, you can’t actually shoot them. You can only hit the axes. What’s the point of having a gun if you can’t defend yourself? If they wanted to make a shooting gallery game then why didn’t they just do that? Make it look like something you’d see at a carnival! But no, it’s high noon at the not-so-okay corral with a bunch of people throwing household objects everywhere. Aside from the axe none of these items actually hurt you. And the dynamite, when shot, you would assume would actually blow up and kill you instantly, But it only momentarily blinds you. You know, just like real dynamite. That special, non-hurting kind. There’s barely any challenge in this game, and there’s only two stages that you can play. And both of them play out the exact same way, the only thing that’s really changed though, is that the background is different. And of course, the only way to lose is to sit there like a maroon and let someone throw axes at your head. Seriously. That’s it. And when you die, you just go right back to the title screen as if nothing happened. You know, an axe to the face doesn’t sound so bad right about now. [Whoosh]
You know, an axe to the face doesn’t sound so bad right about now. [Axe sound]
You know, an axe to the face doesn’t sound so bad right about now. [“AEEEEOW”]
You know, an axe to the face doesn’t sound so bad right about now. Number 8: Be Careful. What could this game possibly be about? Maybe we’re supposed to protect the little girl from monsters, Or maybe you need to get her to the castle in the background. Nope, she’s tied to a spinning wheel and you’re throwing rotten produce at her. I’m gonna have to assume that the character we’re playing is the villain in this story, Because, well, I don’t know how you, would actually tie yourself up to a, wheel like that Now you’re gonna love this;
The goal is to NOT hit her as she spins around, But if you’re not supposed to hit her, then why is she there in the first place? Just look at that poor kid. She looks like she’s been through some heavy stuff! She has a pretty bad eye twitching and her face looks sunken in! Maybe she’s malnourished or something. Wouldn’t it be a good idea to actually feed her the tomatoes and not chuck them at her? But of course it’s gotta get way worse.
When the weather turns, it eventually starts raining and you don’t stop. Now she’s cold. Wet. Covered in tomato juice and no doubt will never be the same again. The longer you play the faster she spins and the more broken she is inside. Every so often a blue monster appears so you throw a tomato at it, because it looks evil! And that’s what the normal reaction would be to seeing a monster, right? Well, not in this crazy land! Here you don’t attack monsters, because they turn into large tomato absorbing demon cupcake. WHAT? IT doesn’t make any sense. And this game was the very first one I played from this whole set to feature a lock-on aiming issue. When you throw a tomato, it locks your aim until the tomato hits the target. This is frustrating when you’re trying to time your shots just right. It’s that kind of artificial and accidental difficulty that just IRRITATES me. But what I hate the most about this game is that at its core it’s all about hurting kids. Adam: Who in the right mind would ever want to play a child torture simulator?! Shane: Who in the right mind would ever want to MAKE a child torture simulator? Number 9: Net Power. In this game you shoot spider webs at fish. I think they’re supposed to be nets but they really don’t look like nets. There are tons of fish in this game but the aiming feels so off that you may never actually hit anything. There are moments when you throw a net directly at a fish and it misses completely. Good, good! Yeah, that’s what I want. That’s what I want! I want poor hit detection on a fishing game. That’s– That’s always what I wanted. Every little bit of me wanted that! In other games that feature nets usually there’s some kind of limit of how many nets you can cast out there, But in this one, there isn’t! so you can just resort to a spray-and-pray approach! There are no other stages and there is no final score. It just basically ends abruptly! i guess there’s like two Interesting things about this game; One of them is that there’s a bunch of different kinds of fish. Yay. And the other? Well, just look at this creepy skull in the background. There’s a story here. Was this poor soul walked off the plank? Was he fit with a pair of concrete shoes? Did he spend longer than two minutes playing Net Power and hurled himself to the bottom of the Mariana trench? We may never know. Number 10: Open Training. Open Training? But training for what? D’oh! Oh, no… This title features a kid with what looks like Cheese Whiz for hair and he’s holding a revolver. In this game, you aim and shoot as close to the center of a target as you can. Let me tell you, it’s not that difficult in the slightest. There are no obstacles. You don’t have to reload your weapon. Heck, the target isn’t even moving. it’s ridiculously easy. You do have a time limit of 10 seconds per shot, but it’s more than enough time to line up with the center of the target. There’s no challenge, no risk, it’s just a BORING GAME. Number 11: Super Archer. Oh hey, Cheese Whiz kid is back! But now he has a bow and arrow! This game is basically the same as Open Training, Except at first there seems to be an additional challenge element to it, Until you realize it isn’t a challenge at all. See, they added wind resistance to this game “Wow oh, how do you handle a thing like that?” It’s pretty easy. Whatever the speed of the wind is, just count that many rings out from the center of the target and then Aim in the opposite Direction as the wind pulls. That’s it. You’ll always get a 9 or 10 score, which is a far higher rating than this trash Game will EVER get. Number 12: Ultimate Frisbee. Ultimate Frisbee isn’t actually about playing Frisbee, believe it or not. It’s about you shooting Frisbee discs that people throw into the air. But why are you shooting Frisbee discs at a golf course? [Game sounds, gunshots] “Get off my golf course, you dumb kids!” “Grampy, my mom says you have to stop shooting at my Frisbees!” The worst part of this game is that you can see far more golf course than you can see sky. You know, the thing you should be aiming into? I mean, this is a huge Issue because the discs are only shootable in the top third of the screen. It’s insanely hard to fire at them when you CAN’T LOOK UP! Sometimes the discs fly out of the frame so quickly that they’re hardly on the screen at all. And other times the Frisbee hide behind the clouds because they’ve been thrown up so high! Who’s doing this? Who is actually throwing the Frisbees that high up? Hercules? This is the worst Frisbee shooting game at a golf course I have ever played. Okay, sure, maybe it’s the only Frisbee shooting game I’ve ever played but it’s still at the very bottom of that list. Number 13: UFO Shooting. Well this is dumb. Straight up! Where do I even begin with this? The framerate is horrible, there’s no music, And the rockets you fire have the same trajectory as the purple plungers from Dream Forest. I mean, what kind of rockets don’t even have a blast of fire coming out from the backside? That means the rockets in this game aren’t actually being fired. There’s just somebody sitting on the edge of a spaceship softly throwing them into space. Aiming these things is about as compelling as shooting a Nerf gun underwater, [Sirens and gunshots]
And the sound effects in this game are simply awful. And these enemies don’t even hurt you. Nope! Did I mention that there’s like zero goal in this game? There really isn’t anything to do. And you know what? If you take this gun and lay it down, and you just walk away, the game completes itself. Adam: That… That can’t be true. Shane: [Chuckles] Don’t believe me? Watch. [Piano music] The game shows you your score at the end! How about that. “In space, everyone can hear you SUCK!” [Party toots] Number 14: Happy Darts. Ever wanna play darts with a freaking shotgun? Well, have I got the game for you. “Happy Darts!” Here’s how It works: You aim where you want your dart to go and it doesn’t go there. “Happy Darts!” There’s a power meter but you’re never told what the meter actually represents! “H-happy Darts?” Seriously! This meter looks important, doesn’t it? But I don’t know what it means! Height? Intensity? Strength? I still don’t know! “Huh-happy Darts?” Of course the computer knows that the meter means, Because it has nearly perfect aim! “Happy Daaarts!” Judging by all these empty bottles here, it looks like the computers been drinking before playing with me! Good! It sloshed and it still manages to beat me! “Happy Darts!” I hate this game so much that I almost broke the controller in half! [In unison] “Happy Darts!” “Happy Darts!” “You’ll never win!” [Crash!] Number 15: Balloon Shoot. This is Balloon Shoot! Surprise! It’s a game where you shoot balloons. That’s the entire game. Adam: This is getting weird. I’d like to go home now. Shane: You know what? How about this? You complete this game and you’re free to go. Adam: Okay, that sounds easy enough. Shane: Sure it does… [Calming piano music] [C͜al̨mi̢n̡g p̶i̸ano̡ m͠usi͠c̕] [̵͟C̵al̨͡m̸̀i̴ng ̵͜͞p̸ia͞͏͟n͏o̶ ̨mừs͟͠i̴̡c]̀ Adam: They just keep coming! It never ends! More balloons, more balloons, more balloons! Shane: Did you think that was a game you could beat? Do you think I would do this because it’s easy? Or that maybe I enjoy it? Or because it’s FUN? The only thing you get from playing these systems, Adam, is PAIN. And those people out there, they don’t understand it, Adam! But I do, and soon YOU WILL TOO! And then we’ll be down there together Adam! DOW̷N THERE҉ T̡OGE͝THE͠R͡, ̛A͡D̀AM! D̴̡͢͝O̧͝W͏̴̸̵̀Ń̷̸ ҉͝T̸̷̡́͝H͜҉̡͢Ę̷̀R̴̛͘̕͞Ę̷̕͝͠ ̀͜T̷͡Ó̶҉͜G̡̕͢E̵̶̕͠T̵̨̕͝H̀́͘Ȩ̴́R̵̡͟,̕҉̕͞ ҉̧A̶̢͘͞D͏A̸̸͠͠͏M̛͏̡́͜!̛͡͏̸̕ [Distressed laughter] (Down there with me, Adam, where the bad games go…) [Chuckle] Anyway, this game is INFURIATING! It plays just like all those other bad games! It plays like the purple plungers one and it plays like the rockets! Adam: Hey, what’s Hamy? Shane: What? Adam: What’s Hamy? Look there, on the balloon? See? I think before, we’re calibrating the gun, and it said Hamy there too! Shane: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Okay, okay. Adam, I am so glad that you asked. THIS is what Hamy is. [Whoosh] Hamy is an international manufacturer of clone and knockoff video game systems. And once upon a time they made Top Hunter. Looks familiar, doesn’t it? Well, the Top Hunter system is actually a ripoff of this: Big Buck Hunter. Which was very popular in the arcades, But it really didn’t have a home release. Which is where those guys at Hamy came in and decided to make their own thing. But once they did that, of course, Other people had to get their meaty little grubby hooks on it as well, too. [Tap tap!] So that’s where the wireless comes in, Because, you see, the Wireless is a ripoff of Top Hunter, Which is a ripoff of Big Buck Hunter. Do you know what that means, folks? That means that at one point a company called Hamy that had little to no money Decide to rip off Buck Hunter and make their own system, And another company that had even less money than Hamy decided to rip off that ripoff, So they made the Wireless, And eventually the people that made the Wireless decide to rip off the Wii, So they made the Wireless 60! And then when the Wireless 60 happened and the Kinect was released by Xbox, They decided that,
“Hey, we gotta release something that looks like that!” So they decided to take the Kinect and the Wireless 60 and merge it into the Wireless Air 60! Do you see what I’m saying? THIS STUFF IS NUTS! Adam: Huh. But why call your company Hamy? Shane: Well, if I had to guess, I’d say… “Sir, nobody wants our cloned video game system anymore.” “The stock is falling rapidly, the company’s verging on financial ruin.” “What’s your wisdom that built the company from the ground up?” “We know you can once again lead this company to success! Just show us the way!” [Hamster wheel squeaking] Adam: I don’t like what this console is doing to us, man! Shane: I bet you it smells like sawdust… Number 16: Ava- A… Ava… Av… Hold up, is that- IS THAT AVATAR? No? AVATAIR. AVATAIR. Seriously? Avatair. Okay, that- that’s what they went with. Avatair is a ripoff of James Cameron’s Avatar. Duh, if you couldn’t tell. In this game you chuck arrows at military vehicles. You’d probably expect the arrows to arch like the other projectiles we’ve seen in previous games, But they don’t. In this one, they fly more like rockets, which, by the way, we could have used in this game! Why the heck are you shooting arrows at giant mechs and space helicopters?! What even is a space helicopter?! Look, I feel like an Ewok fighting against the Empire here! Wouldn’t rockets be more useful? Bu-But I guess not! These are the most poorly designed machines I’ve ever seen! TWO hits from arrows, And these multi-million-dollar tools of destruction ARE DOWN. Oh, you fight lone soldiers too, but they just side on the screen, and wait for their inevitable end by arrow. Adam: This game is Ava-terrible. Shane: It’s Titanically bad. Adam: It Terminates my will to live. Shane: It’s Abyss-mal. That was him, am I right? Adam: Let’s have a look. Number 17: Angry Pirate. Take everything you love about Sid Meier’s Pirates!, And take everything that was so amazing with Assassin’s Creed Black Flag, And throw it all out the window. Witness the most unrealistic oceans and the most cringe-worthy pirate ship designs. And also the most naked pirate captain you’ve probably ever seen. The sound effects for the pirates when you kill them sound really weird and the pirates are really annoying, [“NO!”]
The sound effects for the pirates when you kill them sound really weird and the pirates are really annoying, The sound effects for the pirates when you kill them sound really weird and the pirates are really annoying, [“OOH!”]
The sound effects for the pirates when you kill them sound really weird and the pirates are really annoying, The sound effects for the pirates when you kill them sound really weird and the pirates are really annoying, Because they pop up in the same places over and over again. And believe it or not. this game actually has a boss battle! Like a real game.
But don’t get your hopes up! The pirate boss runs at the screen and you shoot him. No skill, no strategy. You just aim and shoot. And then you do it all over again.
That’s Angry Pirate. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of dumb. Number 18: Penguin War. This game involves an emotionally traumatized penguin, A penguin that thinks he’s superman, And a penguin with a fly fashion sense. The game starts off with the fish in the dead center of the stage. The penguins spawn on the corners of the screen and converge to the center to try and eat the fish. But I guess you’re the fish’s bodyguard or something, And you have to shoot all the penguins away to make sure that the fish doesn’t get eaten. Every now and then you get a power-up and they don’t really seem to do much, That is until you get the… SUB-MACHINE GUN. [Creaks in unison] [Creaks again] [Creaks] And then things really take off. And the music? Oh, the music. [Annoying music]
I hope you enjoy ten seconds of the worst music you’ve ever heard in your life, [Annoying music]
Because it’s going to keep coming at you over and over again. When you eventually level up by massacring masses of flightless birds, You get things like mushrooms and lollipops that cover the fish up for some reason, And the penguins want to get those things as well. But this makes no sense, because penguins don’t eat that kind of stuff. Number 19: Ghost Shooter. Welcome to the game where absolutely NOBODY that made this game opened up a SINGLE book to do any research on ghosts. You know what you’re given to take out the ghosts? Metal stakes. METAL STAKES! And you know what? You’re probably assuming, “Well, I bet some vampires show up!” Well, you’d be wrong! Because they don’t!
Dracula doesn’t make one appearance, Which would be pretty good for metal stakes! Maybe, they’re not even wooden! Maybe these are silver stakes to take out the wolf-man, But guess what, no werewolves in this game either! These stakes are meant for three characters. First up, you’ve got Frankenstein’s monster. That’s right, he’s here and apparently stakes hurt him, so that’s a thing now. Next you’ve got a jack-o’-lantern head monster ghost thing. I don’t even really know what it is, I suppose it could be the headless horseman? I guess, maybe, but what am I? Ichabod Crane or something and even then, I don’t believe that metal stakes would hurt a monster like that. But it’s the third enemy that really just wraps this whole thing up in a bow. You throw these stakes at ghosts. You don’t suck them up in a vacuum, You don’t capture them in a box, You Don’t even attempt to claim them with an iron drum, NO. You shoot stakes at them, Which kills the ghosts, and turns them into other ghosts. Nope. Nope! I’m not having any of that! I don’t– This is stupid! Ghosts don’t die and turn into ghosts. That’s stupid, WHAT. They’re the– [stutters] They don’t have anything else. They’re dead! They’re already dead! They don’t die again and become other ghosts! Adam: I’m actually wondering why they look like babies. Shane: I uhhh… Number 20:
Duck… Hunt? It’s Duck Hunt, everyone! Now you’re probably thinking there is no way that this is the Duck Hunt from the NES, But… You wouldn’t be totally correct. This is a pretty strange ripoff of the game we all know and love. And sure, the graphics are a LITTLE bit different, But a lot of the sound effects were taken straight from the original Nintendo game! [Dog barking] [Duck Hunt jingle] Listen to that! This is a lawsuit waiting to happen! Okay, things have been tweaked slightly… I guess? It’s kind of like an HD version of the game even though the console isn’t really high-definition. But the gameplay, which includes ducks that have gigantic hitboxes, And other ducks which automatically dodge your crosshair Makes up a weirdly uneven gameplay experience. In the original Duck Hunt (the good one) It lets you shoot relatively quickly. But in this version once you shoot, your cursor just kind of sits there, Even if you move the gun. It’s so frustrating and about the ONLY thing that’s even more frustrating that that Is the game over screen that features a Daffy Duck ripoff with a toothy smirk. WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT. Adam: What are you laughing at? “What ARE you laughing at?” “Why is this system so awful?” “Who would release a system with
TWENTY HORRIBLE GAMES?” “Do they want to hurt people?” “Why would anyone want to inflict this much pain on the public?!” “This console is the embodiment of sorrow and negativity!” “IT MAKES NO SENSE!” “IT JUST MAKES NO SENSE!” [Droning and flashback] Shane: Do you see, Adam? Do you see what it is to review these systems? And this is what we have to do. We have to find them all, and expose them for what they are. Adam: But… What do we do with them? Shane: Same thing we do with all of them, Adam. THE EXACT. SAME. THING. [Thud!] We put them away. In a place where nobody will go.
A place even the bravest of players dare not venture. And it won’t be alone! It’ll be sat beside the gaming history’s most HATEFUL failures and mistakes. And with any hope, no one will EVER play the Wireless ever again. [Thud!] [Caption edited by Torbjörn. Hope you enjoyed it!]