Key & Peele – Pizza Order

– HELLO? THANKS FOR CALLING
MARIO’S PIZZA. THIS IS CARLOS SPEAKING. – HELLO. WE WOULD LIKE A LARGE PIE WITH PEPPERONI, PINEAPPLE,
AND CHEESY CRUST. – LARGE PEPPERONI
WITH PINEAPPLE AND CHEESY CRUST. – WE WOULD ALSO LIKE
A LARGE PIE WITH BACON, PINEAPPLE, AND…CHEESY CRUST. – LARGE BACON, PINEAPPLE,
WITH CHEESY CRUST. OKAY. IS THAT GONNA COMPLETE
YOUR ORDER, SIR? – YOU KNOW WHAT?
LET ME GAUGE THE ROOM. UH, GUYS, ARE WE GONNA WANT
ANOTHER PIZZA? LET ME JUST–WHO’S HUNGRY?
SHOW OF HANDS. LET ME SEE ‘EM. ONE, TWO, THREE.
KEEP ‘EM UP. FOUR, FIVE, SIX. – AH, HAVING A PARTY.
[chuckling] – YUP.
PRETTY BIG ONE TOO. COME ON, GUYS,
KEEP ‘EM UP. HUGO, SUMMER?
HANDS? FOOD? YOU KNOW WHAT,
LET’S PLAY IT SAFE. LET’S GET ANOTHER PIE
WITH HAM, PINEAPPLE. – ALL RIGHT, HAM– OH, ARE YOU GUYS GONNA NEED
CHEESY CRUST ON THE THIRD? – GOOD QUESTION.
I’LL GAUGE THE ROOM. HEY, GUYS, DO WE WANT
CHEESY CRUST ON THE THIRD? OKAY, YEESH. THAT IS A RESOUNDING YES FOR CHEESY CRUST
ON THE THIRD. CLAIRE SAYS YOU READ HER MIND. – CLAIRE, HUH?
I LIKE THAT NAME. – IT’S A GOOD ONE. OH, ALSO, MY BOY ANDY OVER HERE
IS SAYING YOU HAVE SOMETHING
CALLED CHICKEN POPPERS. – IS SHE CUTE? – UH, WHO’S THAT AND WHAT NOW? – CLAIRE.
– OH. HER BODY’S LIKE A FOUR.
ANYWAY, WE WOULD ALSO– – WELL, H-HOW DO YOU MEAN? – HA, LET’S JUST SAY
SHE’S KIND OF A BIG GIRL. – THAT’S ALL GOOD. THAT’S ALL SUPERFICIAL, MAN.
I LIKE CLAIRE FOR WHAT’S INSIDE. – YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW CLAIRE. – YO, BUT FOR REAL THOUGH, I FEEL LIKE
I DO KNOW CLAIRE, MAN. PUT ME ON THE PHONE
WITH HER. – UH…YOU DON’T NEED
TO SPEAK TO CLAIRE. – NO, I DO. YOU KNOW WHAT,
I GOTTA LEVEL WITH YOU, MAN. I…[bleep] HER. – OH! OH, I’M SORRY. I DIDN’T MEAN TO GET
IN BETWEEN YOU GUYS. – NO, IT’S QUITE ALL RIGHT. ‘TWAS A WHILE AGO… BEFORE SHE BLIMPED UP. MY CURRENT GIRLFRIEND’S LIV. BODY, TEN.
FACE, TEN. BUT ANYWAY, CLAIRE–YEAH.
I HIT THAT SEXUALLY. AND, UH, AS DID MY BOY HUGO. HELL, EVEN BUBBA GOT
SOME OF THAT. SO JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW,
USED GOODS, USED GOODS. – SO YOU WOULDN’T CARE
IF I ASKED HER OUT? – WELL…
LET ME DO IT FOR YOU. HEY, CLAIRE, THIS GUY
FROM THE PIZZA PLACE WANTS TO DATE YOU.
TOO POOR? ALL RIGHT,
I’LL LET HIM DOWN EASY. – WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
NO. TELL HER THAT, NO,
I’M NOT A RICH MAN. BUT I’M A GOOD MAN. TELL HER,
“CLAIRE, I BELIEVE IN DESTINY. “AND I BELIEVE
THAT WE’VE ALWAYS KNOWN “THAT OUR SOUL MATE
WAS OUT THERE. “THE MOMENT THAT WE HAD
THAT UNSPOKEN CONNECTION “ABOUT THE CHEESY CRUST… “I REALIZED THAT YOU WERE
ALWAYS THE ONE. “BECAUSE–AND I KNOW
THIS SOUNDS CORNY– “BUT THAT MOMENT… “WAS JUST LIKE… SIMPLE.” – WOW. YOU REALLY DO CARE
ABOUT CLAIRE. – I DO. – OH, MY GOD!
CLAIRE JUST GOT SHOT! – WHAT?
NO! – OH! IT JUST CAME
THROUGH THE WINDOW. IT WAS A BULLET.
IT HIT HER IN THE NECK. OH, CLAIRE’S DOWN!
SHE’S DEAD! SHE’S DEAD!
I’M CALLING THE COPS! SHE’S DEAD! – CLAIRE! NOOOO! – CHINESE IT IS.